Updated: Jan 12
Suicide! Suicide? I just crouch in fear at the mention of ‘cide’. The mere thought of it sends spikes through every fiber of me, and pins me in distress. Who was the culprit here? Let’s find out.
It’s a cold Tuesday morning, seated in a chair is a gentleman in glasses, rocking a lab coat he had washed a night before, like he had bought it a day before. In front of him, is a referral form with very familiar hand writing. The handwriting he had worked with some months ago, in the spacious room filled with incubators and crying babies. This patient was referred on account of hearing voices, and attempting suicide.
This gentleman, apparently me, pulled his chair forward, arched his brow and took a glance at this chap; a blue T-shirt to rock denim black jeans, with a dark colored cap to match the jeans. What on earth will make this guy make an attempt at his life? What at all? But then little did I know what lurked ahead.
“What brings you to the hospital?” I asked with intent ears, as I literally hid the referral form at the back of my head. “I took half a bottle of pesticide 4 days ago, for which I was admitted at a nearby hospital and referred here for assessment”.
Any obvious disability? (uncheck)
My pen trotted and muttered, as it’s ink fill the folder with details of his life.
How did it all begin? About 2 years ago, with complaints of poor sleep. He slept poorly because budging and recurring thoughts could not sit his mind still. Constant thoughts about good experiences with his girlfriend re-echoed in his head, bouncing on the rim of his mind with throttles of remorse, anytime he lay on his bed late at night. The closed door vows they had exchanged, the promises they had made, went down the drain as proposed wedding plans were thwarted by unforeseen circumstances.
Current relationship of 2 years, with a background history of five different relationships, the undiscovered issues in their relationships crept in like an illusion, tumbling their marriage with the blood of bitterness. The period meant for analyzing their different compatibilities, to determine if they were a perfect ball-and-socket; rose to a plateau of oblivion. Blood tests conducted justified their innocence and prove they were compatible; however the unknown confirmed their separation and caught up with them like wildfire.
Unbeknownst to her girlfriend, the man had several properties he had reinstated in the name of her only 8 year old daughter. The lady discovered his suitor had a daughter 5 years after they had started a relationship; weighty details he had concealed from her, years into the relationship. The weeks before the proposed date for the wedding was nothing but a dream, a fleeting moment right before she finally called it quits. Terminating the wedding contract. Attempts to convince her prove futile, as millions had gone down the drain.
Episodes of low mood set in, which cycled in oscillation to the time of the day; peaking at the start of the day, when he had not slept the entire night. He occupied his mind with highlights of football matches to keep his disturbed mind at bay. However this was short lived!
A week afterwards, the rants and cheers from a football stadium were not enough to provide a haven for his troubled mind and a seat for his distressed soul. His brain began to pant from being fed with unprocessed neurotransmitters of guilt and worthlessness. Parts of his intellect for visuospatial recognition began to suffer, as he began to describe instances where “he was not himself” and could not give his current location until he was asked incessantly.
He had lost a substantial amount of money in a whirlpool of forgetfulness and maelstrom of heedlessness as he boarded a public transport one afternoon on his way from work.
This perpetuated his urgent desire to request for a bottle of pesticide from his neighbor on a Wednesday night before; as he tried to clear the pests in his mind orally.
He offered an apology and regretted his action minutes after ingesting the poison, when his heart was pierced with toxins of septicity, and his lungs were incised with the blades of contamination.
Striding attempts made by his forehand to reach a bottle of charcoal powder; saluting on standby failed, as he lost consciousness few seconds afterwards, in the comfort of his own home, on a fateful Thursday afternoon.
He regained consciousness at a nearby hospital after desperate moves were made at resuscitation by able bodied hands, wielding stethoscopes, from which he was referred to my facility for further management.
He was managed for severe depression with suicidality; however a suicide risk assessment done yielded a low result. He was then offered psychotherapy to deal with his towering negative feelings, laboratory investigations to examine his dissenting organs and anti-depressants to break the cycle of vanishing thoughts.
Have you ever contemplated suicide? Have you ever wondered if your life was worth living? Have you ever envisaged if the magic pill in your hands could clear your anxiety and tears away in a flash? Luckily, you are not alone! We all have excogitated passive death wishes at a point, thinking it would have been better if we had opted for the other way out and taken the bitter pill, kicking the bucket of affliction as a result.
But news is, life can get better! All your need is that positive mindset! Because with a positive mindset, you cannot be defeated. 1 Peter 5:7 says cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
He is a loving Father who patiently waits for you to beckon, with your yoked burden to be freed. His warm embrace frees us from the chains of desperation which have been holding us back for so long.
You might have wandered in the hands of different healers, who have fanned the fire of surrender, But! Hold on! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
See a mental health professional to be assessed, so optimal treatment can be started, and please do not stop praying, because the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man works wonders.
Thanks for reading